For a time I thought there was a thief among us

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So it’s been almost two years since I have blogged!  That is bananas!  I haven’t blogged since my daughter has been alive.  There’s been a couple times where I will write up a blog, read it, and discard it without ever posting it.  However, I am starting an English class here again soon, so I figured I’d get use to writing again… so here we are.  Lets fill you in on the last two years of my life:

First and most importantly, my daughter Lily was born in August of 2015.  Completely changed my entire world.  And I don’t mean that in some cliche way where having a child changes everything.  I mean, the way I live in this world has changed since she’s been born.  It’s hard to explain, but things that never use to really bother me, can shake me to the core now.  Maybe it’s because I always imagine “what would I do if ______ happened to Lily?”.  Maybe it’s knowing that even at this super young age (almost two as of this post) she know that she can trust me and run to me for safety and love, and knowing that one day there will come a day that I won’t be able to keep her safe, at least not the same way I can now.  I know that she will experience things you never want your child to experience.  Heartbreak, loneliness, depression, etc.  Sometimes it’s an overwhelming feeling knowing that Lisa and I can only give her the tools to deal with bad things in life, and hopefully set a good example for her to follow.  But for now, she is the happiest (and sleepiest) little girl I’ve ever known.  Puppies, crackers, and Daniel Tiger are just a few of her favorite things.

About 9 months ago, I started seeing a therapist who diagnosed me with “persistent depressive disorder” which according to google “[…]is defined as a low mood occurring for at least two years, along with at least two other symptoms of depression.”.  And this has been a struggle navigating for the last few months.  Never knowing if something I’m really thinking is something that I really think or if its my depression.  And it’s made it hard being a father and husband with it, knowing that I should be happy and sure I can fake it, but not being able to be happy is just so deflating.

About a month ago, Lisa and I purchased our first home!  It has been great, even if sometime challenging.  It’s a great little (just barely above 1,000 sq ft) ranch home in the Hilltop.  Quiet neighborhood and friendly neighbors, no crack houses next door!  Nobody on my side of the family has ever owned a home, so it’s definitely been exciting and a new experience, luckily we had a great agent and lender (let me know if you want their contact info!) who walked us through everything one step at a time.  It was also around this time that I applied for a dream job for me.  It was out of Franklinton, which is next to the Hilltop, working for a company that is all about social change and helping ex-addicts and ex-sex workers.  Such a great opportunity and a position that I was actually qualified for!  However, my heart sank when I found out that I was passed over for the actual position.

I felt so defeated.  You spend your whole life trying to get this dream job, you’re finally qualified for it, but they don’t want you.  My depression was there and was cherishing this moment, telling me how worthless I am, how I’m never going to be anything other than a call center lackey.  I have no skills and only customer service experience, which basically means nobody has ever trusted me enough to give me a real job.  I didn’t know what to do, I hated my job with passion, the thought of going to a job that I had no future and no hope in was so(ul) crushing.  You see, not getting my dream job was just the latest denial I had gotten in my job search.  Most of them didn’t bother me because I didn’t really want them, but a few I actually had face to face interviews for that I really wanted, but alas it didn’t work out.  I was angry at God, why give me a desire to leave my current job, give me a desire for one of these new jobs, give me a face to face interview, get my hopes up, then take it away.  I didn’t know why, I still don’t know why.

Kind of a spur of the moment decision, I decided to apply to Arizona State to finish my bachelors degree.  I graduated from Shawnee in 2012 with just my associates (though I had like 90+ credits) because I desperately wanted to get out of school and finally start my life.  In retrospect I wish I would have just stuck it out a little while longer.  I feel as though I have missed out on a lot of jobs that I was qualified for just on the fact that I had a two year degree rather than a four year degree.  So here I am, June 2017, anxiously awaiting the decision from Arizona State to whether or not I get accepted.  Still applying and hoping for a job that doesn’t make me hate waking up in the morning.  But having the ASU stuff to look forward to has definitely made things easier at work.

That has been the last two years in a nutshell.  Lily, mental health, house, job, school.  Some other stuff I hope to hit on in just future blog posts; becoming more Reformed (big R), why professional wrestling is the only true art form left, and how Game of Thrones points us towards Christ.