I would just like to apologize for how scatter brained this post will seem. It’s full of snip-bits of blogs I have written but never posted.
…and the worst part is, she is just like me. Nothing I say, nothing I can say will stop this. She is going to have to find out the same way I did that it isn’t worth it. And for that, I feel like a failure. What good does this 4+ years of my situation with her do if I can’t even use it to help the ones closest to me? Maybe I shouldn’t even have friends, it hurts too much to see them hurt and to see them make bad decisions. Maybe I’m better off on my own.
I tried to be perfect, I thought it would be easy, nothing could ever be more wrong. I have set an unrealistic standard for my relationships, a standard that I produced through the assistance of television, movies, and my imagination. It’s way to easy for me to become dissapointed in friends because of these expectations. It’s a no win scenario, and heaven knows how unrealistic my expectations will be when I find a girlfriend.
From the ages of about 4 until I was about 13 I went to see a speech therapist at least once a week. For those of you keeping track at home, that’s about 450 visits to a speech therapist over the span of 9 years. I have an articulation disorder that makes it hard for me to articulate certain sounds. If you grew up with me in elementary or middle school, I’m sure you noticed it… everyone did. Chances are, you made fun of me for it. I don’t blame anyone for it, kids are mean. In High School, it got better but certain words I would just avoid saying because I could not say them correct. For example, I would avoid saying the words “girl”, “world”, and “squirrel”. Now you’re probably thinking, “geez, that doesn’t sound too hard, to avoid saying like three words” but it was incredibly hard. And it wasn’t just those three, those are just the ones that gave me the most trouble. And what really sucked is when my teachers would hear me misspeak and tease me on it, thinking nothing of it and not knowing I had a speech impediment. I’ve found that in college, almost nobody knows I have a speech impediment, only those who I have told. From ages 4 to about 17, 13 years, I would have done anything to get rid of my speech impediment and the teasing that came along with it. And now that nobody knows about it, and I can speak pretty clearly… I kind of want it back. As weird as it sounds, it was part of who I was… it was something for someone to identify me with. Sometimes, people still have a little problem understanding me sometimes and I admit I get frustrated with it when they get mad at me for not speaking clearly. Sometimes, I really just can’t control it. Sometimes someone will call me out on saying something wrong thinking I just misspoke like everyone does and I always want to just call them out on it. Let them, and everyone listening, know that I have an articulation disorder and I have a speech impediment. And if they think their speech is normal, well then their impediment is listening.
A friend asked me the other day what I was good at, and I know that they were not trying to be mean or anything and that the question just came out wrong… but it got me thinking. What am I good at? And I can’t come up with anything tangible. I’m not athletic, I’m not all academic, I’m not artsy, I’m not a gamer, I’m not some bible scholar, I’m not a very good writer, I’m not a people person, I’m not a good photographer, I’m not a philosopher, I’m not a very good graphic designer, I have no musical ability, I’m not a cook, I’m not anything. I don’t have any unique trait or skill where if someone needs it, I’m the first person they go to. I don’t even have an uncanny knowledge about one specific subject. I guess you could say the only unique thing about me is how distinctly average I am.
She is quite literally, the girl of my dreams. Or, at least the girl in my dreams.