My Mind Wastes Away and my Doubts Start to Gather

Whats the purpose? I feel worthless
So unwanted like I’ve lost all my value
I can’t find it, not in the least bit
and I’m just scared, so scared that I’ll fail you

I have trust issues, not normal trust issues like I can’t trust people.  But trust issues as in, I trust my friends but then I’m scared that they will stop being my friends.  I have dealt with “friends” not being my friends after all for most of my life, and about as long as I can remember.  It’s not a probably that can easily be corrected.  This is often the reason why I feel like people are mad at me when they are not, or the reason I say sorry a lot for things that probably don’t need to be said sorry to.

This weekend for example, I had a blast this weekend with close friends at a church champ.  But even though, Satan attacks my mind.  I started feeling out of place because I did not know anyone besides 4 or 5 people, and I felt like I was in the way.  I know nobody try to make me feel that way, but that’s just the way I am.  I often get that feeling of unwantedness (is that even a word?!).  It usually goes away after a few hours, but during that time, it’s a horrible feeling.

I just want to share two things that have really been irking me as of late.  I often get compared to (and confused with) a person who I have never met.  That wouldn’t be so bad, but everything I have heard about this person has been negative.  That he was depressing to be around, always negative, etc etc.  And I keep getting compared to him and keep calling me his name.  I’ve tried explaining that it really bothers me, but people still do it.  Most of the time it is on accident but other times it feels like it’s on purpose.  It makes me feel like I am depressing to be around and that nobody wants to hang out with me (which doesn’t help with my earlier problems).

And the last thing is how immature and angry my family always is.  Last Friday I called my mom to talk to her, because I just found out that I owe my bank even more money then I thought.  She starts cursing at me, and when I ask her why she is, she tells me it is because I was yelling at her, which I was not.  And today my sister (who is probably reading this because she facebook stalks me which is creepy enough) trys to convince me to stop being mad at my mom, and when I try to explain to her that I am not angry with anyone, she gets mad at me and gets offline.  And they wonder why I don’t come home to visit very often.


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